'Mutant Chronicles' review

Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman and Benno Furmann (Credit: Magnet)

It's the year 2707. Earth has been radically reshaped by an ice age, and countries have been replaced by four corporations (for the record: Mishima, Bauhaus, Imperial and Capitol). But the really bad news: war-related skirmishes have led to the reappearance of a long-buried machine that changes humans into mutant killers with razor sharp claw-arms and a primal drive to feed the machine, thus creating more mutants. Heroic soldier Mitch Hunter (Thomas Jane) and religious zealot Brother Samuel (Ron Perlman) team with a ragtag international crew to destroy the machine before the mutants take over the world.

The buzz: Originally conceived as a pen-and-paper based role playing game in 1993, "Mutant Chronicles" has since spawned a mini-franchise in geek subculture. But this isn't exactly "Watchmen." The filmmakers will have to hope that the movie's steampunk elements attract a cult following, or that a pre-theatrical release as a download on Amazon.com generates interest, because otherwise there's not much to get people's attention.

The verdict: The movie looks cheap, the actors look bored, the convoluted backstory is clearly better suited to a RPG than a feature film—in other words, "Mutant" is a murky mess. You won't understand what's going on and, even worse, you won't care. The only question worth asking is why anyone thought this could work. Things threaten to get interesting when John Malkovich pops up as an evil corporate bigwig, until it becomes painfully obvious he's just picking up a paycheck (really Malkovich, consider the cost to your soul). No one will be surprised when the movie flops in theaters, but it's too bad the innovative Amazon.com distribution idea was wasted on such a loser of a project.

Did you know? Director Simon Hunter made his "director's cut" of the film 11 minutes shorter than the version released in Europe. Is it ever a good sign when even the director thinks his movie is too slow?